Saying “No“ During the Holiday Season - 2022 Edition
2 minute read.
Enjoy this thoughtful revamp of last year’s post!
Saying “No”
Here at TWS, we love talking about saying “no.“ Most of our content is catered towards younger workers (millennials and zoomers), because we understand the lack of control and autonomy typically held over our own time and attention.
As individuals, it’s our job to set boundaries and hold them, especially during high stress times like the holiday season. This is hard work, and a lot of factors converge to make this work more challenging. Parts of our identity can make saying “no” less accessible and safe, and as workers, we are basically taught to remove “no” from our vocabulary very early on.
In fact, the restaurant I worked at during grad school had a saying, “‘Yes’ is the answer, what is the question?“ I learned more about class consciousness, exploitation of the poor and working class and my own dispensability during that time than any other chapter of my life.
This job taught me the importance of saying “no“ while reminding me that it was not always an option. The point is that we (workers) may at times, or all the time, have little opportunity to say “no” to things that don’t serve us.
The holidays season can be an especially activating time, as work does not always slow down, but the demand on our time and energy will almost always increase.
What exactly can you say “no” to?
Ideally, everything. But this privileged point-of-view ignores the real dangers brought on by saying “no,” especially for those living in oppressed bodies. Safety is priority.* Regarding boundary setting, saying no is not often simple.
But the typical unwanted requests that many feel trapped by during this time of year include extensive and stressful travel, spending time with people that distress/activate you, having to host for several days in a row, losing the comfort of your daily routine, having your personal boundaries crossed, and so on.
*Say “no“ to what you are safely able to decline, and always know your resources. National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233)
How can you benefit from saying “no”?
What are the benefits of saying “no“? For starters, saying “no“ allows you to not do things you don't want to do. We have all been children, and most of us are workers. From hugging and kissing each relative, to working in unsafe conditions, we all know what it is like to do things we don’t want to do.
The secondary gain to saying “no” is that people remember when you say “no”. Some may continue to push after you set boundaries, especially if they have successfully done so to their benefit in the past. But if you are able to hold your ground, these individuals learn that you simply do not want to do what they are requesting of you. Many people will hear this and listen.
It’s important to remember that saying “no” apologetically and unapologetically are two different things. Sometimes folks can misinterpret your apologetic no’s as you being unsure and therefore, you can be easily swayed.
This one takes practice, but becoming more confident in your “no” could lead to less push back and the conversation ending. In these times, I encouraging you to practice self-compassion, giving yourself plenty of grace as you stretch your boundary setting wings for the first time. As stated above, this is hard work. It will take some practice.
Also, you may feel guilty. Guilt is painful and it can be cumbersome to bear during a time when you are already stressed. I’m here to lovingly remind you that feelings of guilt do not necessarily connote wrong doing on your part. You may feel guilty simply because you are not used to saying “no“ to people, not because you did something wrong.
Eventually, you may notice that any guilt you experience is a fair trade for the high strain, stress and resentment you felt before you started setting boundaries. You may need time to adjust to this, and any step forward (even if accompanied with several steps back) is progress towards growth and healing.
Alternatives to saying “no”
We get it, “no“ is a complete answer. But that doesn’t mean we are comfortable just saying “no.“ So get creative. Below are some helpful, holiday themed alternatives to a simple “no.“
“I can’t make that, but I am free the following week.”
“Christmas Day doesn’t work for us, how about the day after?“
“I don’t enjoy that activity, but we can try ________ instead.”
“I can’t make the drive at this time, but I’d be happy to host you later that week.“
“We are spending the holiday with my partner’s family this year, and look forward to celebrating with you next year.“
“That doesn’t work for me, I am open to something else.”
“That isn’t my religion, so I won’t be attending the service. I am happy to meet you the next day to celebrate in a way that works for both of us.“
“We are keeping to ourselves on the day of, but we’re happy to meet up before.“
This holiday season.
Your needs are enough, your limits are enough, your boudnaries are enough. Best of luck saying “no“ this holiday season.
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Thank you for reading!
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Very Best,
—Sarah (she/her)
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a cis/het, able bodied, thin, white woman. I do my best to write from my own perspective and not that of more oppressed bodies, identities and abilities than myself. I do make mistakes, and work on growing more each day. If anything in this piece strikes you as bigoted, ignorant, or offensive, please email me at contact@teletherapywithsarah.com. Be well.*
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Additional Resources
Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) (800) 656- 4673
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