How to Set Boundaries During the Holiday Season (revisited!)
9 minute read.
The Third Winter in a Global Pandemic.
Last year, I posted about the importance of setting boundaries during the holiday season. I spoke about the tragedy, fear, death, illness and isolation we experienced, especially during the first winter of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Many did not need to set boundaries during 2020, because fear of illness and loss set them for us. Due to the mismanagement of public health in the US and misinformation about vaccines and masks, 2021’s holiday season was wrought with anger, feuds between loved ones, and continued loss and grief.
This post will not be about the COVID-19 pandemic. I do not say this because I think the pandemic is over, or that we are safe. People are still hospitalized and dying daily. Individuals with chronic illness and varied abilities and disabilities are still suffering greatly, despite our overtly ableist culture wanting to “move on.“
This post will not be about the pandemic, because the pandemic is simply a part of our reality now. It has become an intersection of our experience, traumas and identities. Therefore, his post will be about reality, a world that continues spinning during the third winter of a global pandemic.
How to Protect Your Time + Energy During the Holiday Season
As a millennial, I feel there is a long list of reasons why my generation and Gen Zs should be uplifted. I find our refusal to participate in antiquated or harmful customs for the sake of tradition is especially inspiring. From the rejection of the insular nuclear family, to saying “no“ to things we don’t want to do, there is copious amount of courage and pride that come with being a member of these younger generations.
As I carefully toe the line of ageism, it’s worth recognizing that plenty of members of older generations (especially Gen X) feel similarly, and many in the younger generations do not embrace the idea of change and growth. But generally speaking, new groups bring new ideas.
The concept of protecting your time and energy is not new, but it’s popularity is. Taking a step back to notice how much of this precious time and energy you put forth in relationships, activities, or work, you may be surprised by how often you go above and beyond without receiving the effort in return.
Are you always making the long trip to visit a friend who is unwilling to do the same for you? Are you skipping lunch to return phone calls? Are you working overtime when you aren’t asked or paid to do so? Are you bending to the will of family traditions or gatherings that are not enjoyable to you, or worse, cause you great distress or harm?
As is always important to mention, living under capitalism, we are trained from a young age to put forth more effort than is needed in all spaces. We see this in the rewarding of perfect attendance in elementary schools.
Therefore, protecting your time and energy is an act of revolution.
What are boundaries?
By definition, a boundary is a limit or a dividing line. Boundaries can be seen on maps, in neighborhoods, in office spaces, etc.
Personal boundaries are limits that you maintain regarding how much the outside world gets to access you. Emotional boundaries include parts of your internal world that you decide to share or keep to yourself. Physical boundaries may include how much/little others can interact with your body, your possessions, or other things you feel protection and ownership over.
Many find that the winter holiday season is the most challenging time of year to set boundaries, which is why I am revamping one of my favorite posts from last year. Happy reading!
How to set boundaries during the holiday season.
1. Decide where/when to set boundaries.
On your own or with a partner(s), take some time to mindfully walk through how you want your holiday season to look. What people do you want to see? Anyone you would like to avoid? Are there new traditions you would like to try? Curious about being a homebody or traveling for the first time?
Decide what is doable, all while remembering that your health, safety and happiness are priority. The holiday season has a nasty habit of making us feel that we need to accept being uncomfortable so that others can experience pleasure. Here is a gentle, loving reminder that this is not true.
2. Listen to your body during the holidays.
If there is any time of year that is known for pushing our limits, it’s the holiday season. Be it a disturbed sleep schedule due to gatherings, house guests or traveling; pressure to overeat or restrict; exposing ourselves to dangers we wouldn’t typically encounter (food or pet allergies) or various boundaries that can be crossed (physical, emotional, spiritual), there are many new items to add to our mental load.
I urge you to pay attention to how your body is feeling and actually listen to it. In the past, you may have been urged to eat past feeling full, hug all your relatives, travel extensively to see everyone that demands your time, etc. Use this year to practice setting limits for yourself that are set by you, not others.
3. Celebrate on non-holiday days.
Often we can feel pressured by external energies (family, friends, culture) to celebrate holidays on the days themselves. This has brought about the “every other year rule” and in some environments, it can lead to arguments, jealousy and resentment, leading to dread around the holidays, rather than the joy that comes with reunion.
Ask yourself: is the emotional pain you experience worth jamming into one day? Be curious about your answer to this question. Many adults, especially single and childfree adults, are more often asked to accompany celebrations rather than plan them.
Would your friends/family feel comfortable celebrating the days leading up to or following the day itself? More importantly, are you comfortable with it?
4. Say “no“ during the holidays.
This could be an event or gathering, a conversation, food, request, etc.
You are allowed to say “no“ to joining a gathering if you know people will be sick. You are allowed to say “no“ when someone pushes second or third helpings during a meal. To add to that, you are allowed to say “no“ if someone asks “haven’t you had enough already?“
You can say “no“ to requests that you make several stops during your already long drive. You can say “no“ if you are asked to come early to help prepare if your traveling already comes with enough emotional labor.
You can absolutely say “no“ to political conversations, especially of the person speaking to you is making the interaction an opportunity to spew hate rather than having an actual discussion with curiosity. And remember, conversations about race, sexuality, gender, class, and other topics related to human rights are political, because our bodies are politicized.
If you have the time an energy, you may feel empowered enough to challenge these hateful takes when you encounter them. But always keep your safety in mind.
Best of all, you can say “no“ to unwanted conversations. Every year, without fail, like most AFAB people, I am asked when I will be having children.
Sadly, I have had to do more emotional labor regarding this topic than my partner has. Thankfully, I have a partner who works hard to shoulder this burden, making it less of a minefield and more a nuisance.
In my 20’s, I shied away from questions about my reproductive plans - “Oh, haha, I don’t know.” In my early 30’s, I gave cutting but deflecting responses - “My career is going great, thanks for asking.” In our mid and late 30’s, we have found a comfortable, firm response - “That is not part of our family plan.”
Having these curated responses to unwanted topics of conversation can be the first step in a line of statements that end with - “I do not want to talk about this, thank you for understanding.”
This can be applied to unwanted comments about weight loss/gain. Fatphobia and diet culture gives permission for those we interact with to speak about the size of our bodies. (As a thin person, I am not equipped or entitled to offering advice on how to navigate fatphobia in the family setting. Thankfully there are a number of fat/size diverse voices that are uplifted right now. Here is a great podcast that debunks diet culture: maintenance phase.)
Also, please forgive yourself for sounding shaky/squirmy the first couple times you set boundaries around conversation topics, it is a muscle that you will need to train and strengthen.
5. Manage pushback, guilt trips.
Setting your boundary is one thing. Resisting pushback is another.
Gentle reminder, if you are able to verbally set a boundary, you have already worked so hard. Try your best to be mindful of how difficult the process is, incase you feel tempted to judge yourself for not “doing it right“ the first time.
Handling pushback after a boundary is set takes patience and tolerance, both skills than can be strengthened over time. If you buckle under the pressure of a guilt trip, it is ok. Tolerating any guilt or sadness that is fostered by your loved one’s response can be difficult, but with practice, it will get easier.
Some tips for tolerating guilt trips: take long, slow breaths, notice your feet on the ground and how your body is being held in your chair. Breathe through awkward silences, have a stressball or fidget object nearby. Breathe. Remember why you are setting the boundary, the reason has not changed, even if the guilt is causing you to think, “Maybe I’m being too harsh.“ Just breathe.
6. Establish your own traditions.
Single adults and those in childfree partnerships are allowed to establish their own holiday traditions. Please let that sink in. Parents and attached adults absolutely hold a privileged status in social settings. Please remember you do not need to have a life partner/s or children to ask that people come and see you. You are allowed to host gatherings, set boundaries for yourself/rules for your home and you are allowed to uphold these expectations for those you allow into your space.
You are also allowed to excuse yourself from traditions held by your family/friends if you are just not feeling it this year. Many young adults are made to feel that they must offer a valid excuse as to why they are opting out, but this isn’t actually necessary.
Thank you so much for reading. Wherever you are in your boundary setting journey, know and understand that even thinking about prioritizing your own needs is an act of rebellion.
Standing up for yourself and setting boundaries for your feelings, thoughts and body is revolutionary. You are brave and I see you.
Wishing you a safe and happy holiday season.
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Very Best,
—Sarah (she/her)
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a cis/het, able bodied, thin, white woman. I do my best to write from my own perspective and not that of more oppressed bodies, identities and abilities than myself. I do make mistakes, and work on growing more each day. If anything in this piece strikes you as bigoted, ignorant, or offensive, please email me at contact@teletherapywithsarah.com. Be well.*
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