How to Stay Positive During Difficult Times

“How do I stay positive during difficult times?”

When doing SEO research for this post, I kept running into this phrase. What a human question to ask! It touches on the pressure we feel to remain positive or at least be perceived as remaining positive. It’s a reminder that we’re socialized to think that positivity is the only path to healing, growth and change.

In reality, learning how to “stay positive during difficult times” won’t help you with emotional regulation or developing a self-care practice. It only encourages you to mask.

So my sincerest apologies (I mean it), but this post will not be an instruction manual for maintaining positivity. Teaching you to mask how you feel would not be kind and it wouldn’t be honest, because the truth is we can become more positive if we embrace some of the negative.

Telling someone to “stay positive” during challenging times is actually pretty reductive. It flattens the human experience into 1.) thing happens, followed by 2.) I need to be positive, eliminating our material conditions, past experiences, and current resources.

When it comes to supporting someone who is struggling, the best thing we can do is show up. We can do this by listening, not judging, and when applicable, asking what they need. When you need support in the future, you will hopefully receive the same care back, or at least you’ll know what kind of care you need, and you can ask for it.

We’re not always going to be able to fulfill each others’ material needs, but in a culture that blames the individual and not the faulty systems, compassion can go a long way. Community support can also sustain us until we can get these material needs met.

“How can I stay positive when bad things keep happening?”

Don’t! You do not need to stay positive. Let yourself respond to stressors and trauma in the way that feels natural and expressive to you. Cry, grieve, lament and suffer. With time and support, you will begin to grow around your pain. We can learn that some pain and suffering does not ever fully go away.

This is no surprise, because life is long. We gain relationships, interests, experiences and insight throughout our time on this planet. This means we will also lose again and again. The grief cycle is as natural and expected as growth.

Again, the goal is to grow around your pain, engulfing it in grace, compassion, patience, tenderness and hope. So please, let yourself be “negative.” Be in your pain, let it move through you. It helps to have a support system around you to keep you safe, but do not deny yourself the process of experiencing pain. Denying the presence of pain will not make it go away.

For context, this post is being written during the first week of Donald Trump’s second presidency. Our trans and non-binary brothers, sisters and siblings are not only in serious danger of losing what little access to healthcare they receive now, they are also having their existence erased and are at high risk for community based violence.

Our immigrant neighbors, coworkers and friends can now be taken from schools, churches and hospitals by ICE agents. After the TikTok ban, millions of Americans have downloaded RedNote, and the result is that Americans continue to learn how isolated we are from the rest of the world. No one knows how long we will have access to this information, and to our Chinese siblings.

With this in mind, the burden of fighting alienation to connect with each other is greater than ever. Let’s talk a little bit about how we can show up for each other.

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How to show up for each other in difficult times.

1. Be curious.

Fostering curiosity is a great first step when showing up for someone in need. When we practice curiosity, we withhold judgement, which is great! Judgement can limit our ability to have insight into a situation, and it can influence the care we provide.

Of course, judgment is not always bad, nor always on the binary of good and bad. But it’s best to practice openness and curiosity until we feel we fully understand a situation.

Also, why not just trust that the person who needs our help just needs help? In US culture, we are socialized to judge, police and surveil each other. We are taught to blame the individual (ourselves included) when an issue is likely systematic. If someone makes a mistake or is imperfect, we tend to dub them deserving of their hardship.

From the homeless crisis in the US to the genocide in Gaza, we encounter multiple normalized crises of capitalism each day. It’s up to us to do the work, resist judgement, and show up compassionately.

2. Ask what accommodations are needed.

After Trump’s reelection and subsequent inauguration, one prompt we received online consistently was “find community”. Community is great, and human beings need it to survive!

But we are living through a global pandemic, and the moral panic that typically comes after: heightened eugenic fervor. With mask bans, gutted COVID-19 protections and rising ableism, disabled people are in danger both socially and bodily.

When showing up for someone, regardless of what you know about their health or ability, ask them what type of accommodations they may require. This may include masking (please mask, especially indoors), being aware of accessibility in buildings and peoples’ homes, energy levels, etc. If you want to help, start by being safe.

3. Embrace imperfection.

Even on our hardest days, we are doing our best. We might be snippy, impatient, messy, wrong, clumsy, and all the other beautiful things that come with being a human being. No matter what our age, there is always time to grow and learn.

Shaming someone for their imperfections does not facilitate growth or trust, it can actually discourage it. If you’re able to give someone grace in the moment, they will remember the act of kindness.

The next time someone is showing up imperfectly with you, take a moment, take a breath, and take a step back. No, you will not always have the energy to teach and hold space for someone (women, queer people and POC are asked to do this more often). But on those days that you do have capacity, allow your compassion to fill the space between you and the other person.

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4. Help each other grow.

Since 2016, many Americans have asked the question, “Is it worth losing [insert relationship here] over politics?” As I’m writing this, Israel continues it’s 15 month long genocide on Palestinians in Gaza, and as the deaths of 300,000+ people continue to be explained away, it can feel like the question is becoming easier to answer.

But the choice is not always easy, and it’s ok to wrestle with the decision of keeping someone in your life. It helps to ask yourself,

1.) Does this relationship nourish me?

2.) Does this person respect my input more often than not?

3.) Do they leave me feeling validated and listened to, or no?

4.) Do they seem open to change and growth?

While taking great care, listen to your loved one’s fears. You’ll be surprised how many people are two questions away from clarity and open mindedness. If a friend is struggling with a contradiction under capitalism, lend them your favorite book on the subject, or recommend an article. Don’t talk down to them and absolutely resist despairing with them.

Offering a life line to someone who is drowning in fear and ignorance can be a heavy undertaking, but so long as you are tending your garden, anything is possible.

Showing Up for Each Other

In conclusion, do your best and take your time. Everything around us is urging speed, urgency and emotional disconnection.

You are in charge of your breath, and you’re in charge of your inner experience. Take a moment to breathe, show up for others as much as you can and allow yourself to be shown up for.

Thank you for reading, take care.

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