Is it worth losing a friend over politics?

Two buffalo headbutting, blocking traffic. Sarah Bryski-Hamrick, political therapist.

Political Discussion

It’s an understatement to say that we live in a divisive time, but divisiveness in the US is not new. From it’s “founding”, US culture has normalized state sanctioned violence by way of genocide, ethnic cleansing and slavery. It has encouraged community based violence via lynching, redlining and segregation.

The weapons of this oppression have been legislation, surveillance, policing, murder, racially/gender based violence and traditional weaponry.

The truth is, many of us are waking up to this divisiveness for the first time. Maybe you woke up in 2016 with the first election of Donald Trump or during the 2020 uprisings against racist police terror and the deadly mishandling of the COVID-19 pandemic. Maybe your trigger was Palestine, or it could have been the election and installation of our current administration. Maybe it was Iraq, maybe Vietnam.

Regardless, divisiveness in our culture is not new. But as more and more groups are feeling the weight of economic disparity and oppression, more are aware of it.

Is it worth losing friends over politics?

This question is pretty reductive, so let’s break it down. What do you mean by “politics”? The word’s meaning has certainly shifted over time, to the point where it’s weaponized to normalize harmful behavior. For example, your uncle saying “let’s not get political” when you ask him not to tell racist jokes.

Ignoring the material consequences of a person or persons’ harmful behavior only causes further harm and alienation in relationships and community. Calling out this behavior is courageous, while any attempt to neutralize the behavior is dishonest and irresponsible.

So, what are “politics”? The current use of the word would have you thinking that politics are:

A trans person’s right to exist.
An individual’s right to be housed.
An elderly person’s right to retire and live out their life with dignity.
A community of natural disaster victims’ right to relief.
A Palestinian child’s right to go to school, keep all their limbs, family members and not know the sounds of bombs and bullets.
A worker’s right to protections in the work place.
A disabled person’s right to live above the poverty line.

When we use the word “political”, we are not only referring to policy and legislative violence, but normalized social violence as well.

I invite you to rephrase the question “Is it worth losing friends over politics?” to fit what you actually mean.

Is it worth losing friends who don’t condemn Israel and speak up for Palestinians?
Is it worth losing family over their eugenic take on disability?
Is it worth ending a friendship if they condone the kidnapping of students, individuals and families by ICE?

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Divisive times?

These aren’t just divisive times, these are times of devastating violence, rage and grief in a culture born of capitalism. In its short life, capitalism has always been violent. The violence is not new, only intensified, more visible, and directly affecting more people.

To maintain the status quo, we are discouraged from discussing politics with family, in our work place, with friends and any other place we interact with community - people who are negatively impacted by the same violence and harmful policy as you. We are discouraged from talking about politics because political discussion can lead to debate, and even actual solidarity.

The “No politics Rule” also protects those who may hold harmful views. Talking about politics in your community often leads to these individuals truly coming to terms with the violence of their politics, and even learning new information that may inform a shift in values.

Some relationships will sadly not last the test of politics, and it can be a hard and painful process. We need relationships and community just like we need to take care of our bodies and our minds. We need each other, but maintaining relationships that are not serving you may take time away from more nourishing ones.

Let’s talk about ways you can address these relationships with grace, patience and compassion for yourself and those around you, while also holding steadfast in your values.

Two birds fighting over food. Is it worth losing friends over politics? Sarah Bryski-Hamrick political therapist

Reassessing relationships in times of heightened repression and violence.

Instead of thinking about relationships in the binary of then/now, before and after, I invite you to think about relationships as a praxis. The work can be constant because our growth is constant, and the world is always changing. This can take away any urgency you feel about ending relationships, and allow you to be more reflective.

While this post focuses on relationships strained under political differences, this intervention can be used to reflect any relationship you are questioning.

With that in mind, grab something to write with and let’s work through some reflective questions. Consider one relationship at a time as you work through the questions.

Does this relationship nourish me? Does it nourish the other person?

You are only one part of this relationship. Generally, do interactions with this person leave you feeling held, seen, heard and understood? With the understanding that no one relationship can or should meet all of your needs, ask yourself if this relationship is meeting the needs you have from this person.

Do you feel you meet their needs in the relationship? Do they perceive your focus on politics as taking away from the relationship? Individualism notwithstanding, the question has value if answered honestly. It also gives you information, because if this person doesn’t see the value that your politics bring to your life, they may not be meeting/respecting your needs.

Considering different political views, does this person believe in your humanity and value? What about the value of those you care about who are different from you in some way, does this person care about them? Are you a cis-gendered woman fighting ferociously for trans rights, and that aren’t doing the same? Check in with yourself about discomfort, especially as you work to practice rigorous honesty.

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Are you safe with this person?

Are they willing to lose the affirming gaze of the ruling class and stand by your side? This isn’t a future oriented question, you can and should ask it right now. People are losing jobs, citizenship status and being disappeared due to their support for Palestinian liberation.

Will this person go to great lengths to protect and affirm you, or at the very least, reach out to see what they can do for you behind closed doors?

Can you picture them standing up against racism, genocide, and gender violence with you? Would they face ICE with you? Or help keep you safe if someone comes knocking at your door?

Has the relationship run its course?

Be especially gentle with this question. What keeps the relationship going? Anything from shared values to the longevity of a relationship, shared history and experiences may come to mind.

Is this chapter of your life the last one this relationship will be a part of? Have you outgrown the relationship, or are you unable to tolerate it anymore?

Does the relationship have potential to grow with you?

Injecting some hope into this practice. Does the relationship have the potential to change and grow? Can this person overcome their individualism, unlearn bias and propaganda? Can they gain courage?

Can they learn to trust your anti-oppression point of view or even better, practice curiosity and learn on their own?

Have you done the work of communicating your dissatisfaction?

Be careful with this one. There are many ways we can communicate unhappiness to another. We can be both direct and indirect with our feelings and thoughts.

Direct communication could look like a conversation about needs. Indirect communication may mean you are visibly in the streets and/or vocal on social media about your beliefs. You may be openly grieving, but without energy to put towards checking on their own political journey.

Both are valid. Direct communication can get you where you’re headed more quickly, but we don’t always have the time, energy, safety or security to take that route.

Is there any effort that you can make to communicate your dissatisfaction? Or do you feel you’ve reached across the aisle enough in your actions?

This is hard.

Whatever you decide to do in this relationship can help inform what you do in the next one. We only have one life, there’s so much fighting to be done, and we must consider that those we hold closest will do the same for us.

Take great care, stay safe, and don’t stop fighting.

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