How to Protect Your Time + Energy During the Holidays
6 minute read.
Boundaries.
I had an interesting realization in my own therapy recently. The pandemic did not actually teach us how to set boundaries, it took away the reality in which we needed to.
Like most of 2020, last holiday season was fraught with tragedy and loss, increased awareness of social injustices/inequalities, separation from loved ones, political discourse and increased financial burden.
But for many, below all of that pain, there lived a small hum of contentedness over the removal of needing to set boundaries and having to say “no,” as a life threatening illness kept us from being as close to others as we would have liked (if you were being safe).
This year, millions of Americans have elected to take the vaccine, lessening the deadly effects of contracting COVID-19. Despite the increased safety, many individuals are reporting worsening anxiety and depression. This is likely due in part to them feeling pressured to participate in traditions that do not honor their time and energy.
If you have come to value your precious time and energy, and it is under fire during the holiday season, you are not alone. Below are some tips for navigating the second holiday season during the global pandemic.
Listen to your body during the holidays. What is it saying?
If there is any time of year that is known for pushing our limits, it’s the holiday season. Be it a disturbed sleep schedule due to gatherings, house guests or traveling; pressure to overeat or restrict; exposing ourselves to dangers we wouldn’t typically encounter (food or pet allergies) or various boundaries that can be crossed (physical, emotional, spiritual).
I urge you to pay attention to how your body is feeling and actually listen to it. In the past, you may have been urged to eat past feeling full, hug all your relatives, travel extensively to see everyone that demands your time, etc. Use this year to practice setting limits for yourself that are set by you, not others.
Put less pressure on the actual days.
Often we can feel pressured by external energies (family, friends, culture) to celebrate holidays on the day itself. This has brought about the “every other year rule” and in some environments, it can lead to arguments, jealousy, resentment and all the other too-familiar holiday emotional states.
Ask yourself: is the emotional pain you experience worth jamming into one day of tradition? Be curious about your answer to this question. Many adults, especially single and childfree adults, are more often asked to accompany celebrations rather than plan them.
Would your friends/family feel comfortable celebrating the days leading up to or following the day itself?
Say no to something if it makes you uncomfortable, or if you know you won’t enjoy it.
This could be an event or gathering, a conversation, food, request, etc. This marks our first holiday season where a vaccine for COVID-19 is available, which has caused quite a stir among many families and/or friend groups.
However, the vaccine is not the first divisive topic to burden us during the holiday season. Some typical conversations topics that bring about discomfort relate to our body and our life stages. Every year, without fail, I am asked when I will be having children, like many AFAB folx.
As my partner and I are childfree at this time, we have had to curate our responses to this question (me more than him, sadly). In my 20’s, I shied away from it - “Oh, haha, I don’t know.” In my early 30’s, I gave cutting but deflecting responses - “My career is going great, thanks for asking.” At 34, together we have both found a nice, (sometimes) defusing response - “That is not part of our family plan.”
Having these curated responses to unwanted topics of conversation can be the first step in a line of statements that end with - “I do not want to talk about this, thank you for understanding.”
This can be applied to unwanted comments about weight loss/gain. Fatphobia and diet culture toxicity aside, it is incredibly presumptions and rude for someone to comment on your body type or weight.
If you would like it to end, there are a few ways you can go about it. First, you check in with folx you trust beforehand (partner, parent, cousin) and ask them to assist in supporting you.
Next, you can state clearly in the conversation that it makes you uncomfortable - “I understand that you may mean that as a compliment, but it makes me uncomfortable. I’d like to stop talking about it.” “It makes me uncomfortable when you make comments about the way I look, I’d like it to stop.”
Also, please forgive yourself for sounding shaky/squirmy the first couple times you set this boundary, it is a muscle that you will need to train and strengthen.
Establish your own traditions.
Single adults and those in childfree partnerships are allowed to establish their own holiday traditions. Please let that sink in. Parents and attached adults absolutely hold a privileged status in social settings. With that hot take out of the way, please remember you do not need to have a life partner/s or children to ask that people come and see you. You are allowed to host gatherings, set boundaries for yourself/rules for your home and you are allowed to uphold these expectations for those you allow into your space.
You are also allowed to excuse yourself from traditions held by your family/friends if you are just not feeling it this year. Many young adults are made to feel that they must offer a valid excuse as to why they are opting out, but this isn’t actually necessary (more on this in the next post: How to Say “No” During the Holidays).
Thank you for reading!
Email contact@teletherapywithsarah.com with questions/comments/concerns.
Pennsylvanians - ready to start therapy? Reach out to contact@teletherapywithsarah.com for a free 15 minute consultation.
Very Best,
—Sarah
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a straight, cis, able-bodied, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that ethnicity, class, sexuality and gender that differ from the above identifiers encounter more hardship and oppression.*
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