How to Give Yourself the Gift of "No" this Holiday Season
3 minute read.
Saying “No”
The conversation about saying “no” and setting boundaries is currently being had more than ever. Due to the threat of illness and death the pre-vaccination days of the COVID-19 pandemic brought last holiday season, the need to set these boundaries was temporarily removed.
This year, many are grieving not only loved ones, but the continued loss of freedom that has come during the second year of the pandemic, as well as the reemergence boundaries being necessary.
In a previous post, I discussed the barriers to saying no, including safety and lack of privilege. Thankfully, many of these rules do not apply to independent adults dealing with friends and family.
You will not lose a job or have your safety threatened if you say “no” to someone this holiday season (if either of these outcomes are possible when setting boundaries with family, that is another story. Please contact the national Domestic Violence Hotline if you are unsafe 800.799.SAFE (7233).)
What exactly can you say “no” to?
In short, everything. But the typical unwanted requests that many feel trapped by this time of year include extensive and stressful travel, spending time with people that distress/trigger you, having to entertain for several days in a row, losing the comfort of your daily routine, answering personal questions that you’d rather not discuss (ie, family planning), and so on.
How can you benefit from saying “no”?
The more obvious answer is you don’t have to do things you don't want to do. The secondary gain to saying no that occurs just as often is that people remember when you say no. Some may continue to push, especially if they have successfully gotten their way in the past.
If you are able to hold your ground, these individuals learn that you simply do not want to do what they are requesting of you. Most of the time, they listen...some may take more time than others, unfortunately.
It’s always important to remember that saying no apologetically and unapologetically are two different things. Sometimes folx can misinterpret your apologetic no’s as you being unsure and therefore, you can be easily swayed.
This one takes practice, but becoming more confident in your “no” could lead to less push back and (thankfully) the topic of conversation changing.
Never forget, your time and energy are important and should be prioritized. However, you need to be the first one to do it.
Remember, you can always offer alternatives.
“I can’t make that, but I am free the following week.”
“I don’t enjoy that activity, but we can try ________ instead.”
“That doesn’t work for me, I am open to something else.”
Best of luck giving yourself the gift of “no” this holiday season!
Thank you for reading!
Email contact@teletherapywithsarah.com with questions/comments/concerns.
Pennsylvanians - ready to start therapy? Reach out to contact@teletherapywithsarah.com for a free 15 minute consultation.
Very Best,
—Sarah
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a straight, cis, able-bodied, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that ethnicity, class, sexuality and gender that differ from the above identifiers encounter more hardship and oppression.*
Find a therapist:
includsivetherapists.com
therapyden.com
zencare.co
thrivingcampus.com
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more
1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text “START“ to 88788
https://www.thehotline.org/
