How to Say "No" Effectively
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3 minute read.
How to Say No
The ability to say “no“ is an underrated skill. It can make a huge difference in boundaries we set with friends, family, partners, our work place and even strangers (cue the expertly up-selling salesperson).
Saying “no“ can keep us from spending time with individuals or in activities that do not serve us. Setting boundaries can initially bring about feelings of guilt, especially for groups that have been socialized to be nurturing and pleasing (women - especially women of color, support staff, parents, etc.).
Thankfully, the guilt fades with consistent boundary setting, resulting in more confidence and personally valuing our own time more.
Why say no?
Simply put, because you do not want to do something or you do not want something. There is an unwritten rule that saying “yes“ makes us more likable.
In reality, setting proper boundaries gives off the impression that we are at not at someone’s beck and call, bringing about more mutual respect.
Is “no” always an option?
Unfortunately, no. In her book Wordslut, author Amanda Montell discussed the responsibility of saying “no“ that women often carry in heterosexual relationships, giving the example of the oppressive mantra that “all she had to do was say no“.
Montell went on to say that men in these relationships are also responsible for picking up on very clear, very apparent non-verbal cues, even going a step further and ASKING if their female partner is comfortable with what is happening.
She adds that women/womxn are hyper aware that saying “no“ in these and other contexts can lead to violence, sexual assault or even death. Due to this, women can and will give every indicators that they are uncomfortable without actually saying “no.”
Another example to keep in mind is the workplace. As discussed briefly in a recent post, saying no in certain employment settings can lead to punishment, harassment and termination.
Possible variations to “no.“
“I’m not interested in that.“
“No, thank you.“
“I’m not in the mood for that.“
“No, not today.“
“No, please ask someone else.“
“No, that is not my job.“
Offer alternatives.
“Not today, but maybe next week.“
“Not now, but how about I buy lunch tomorrow?“
“I can’t do that, but I am free for dinner this weekend.“
“I’m not available then, but I’d love to meet up another day.“
“I don’t enjoy that activity, but I wouldn’t mind planning something else with you.”
The old favorite.
“No.“ If someone does not have physical, financial or vocational control over you, you do not need to say “yes“ when asked to do something that you do not want to do.
Thank you for reading!
Email contact@teletherapywithsarah.com with questions/comments/concerns.
I provide therapy to professional millennials from working class backgrounds. I coach “Exploited Therapists” or therapists who have been exploited by managers, bosses and supervisors. I help them build their dream private practices.
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Very Best,
—Sarah (she/her)
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a straight, cis, non-disabled, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that race, ethnicity, class, sexuality, gender, etc. that differ from the above identifiers encounter hardship and oppression at a much higher rate.*
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