"You Should Smile More" - Why We Hear It, Why It Hurts Us
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6 minute read.
Stop Telling Me to Smile
Growing up, I remember sitting in my childhood home, feeling generally content or neutral while completing a task or engaging in a hobby, when my dad would enter the space and say to me, “What’s wrong? Please smile.“
A few years later when I was a teenager, during one of the many weeks I would spend at Christian sleepaway camp during the summer, a member of the praise team on stage called me out in front of 100+ of my peers and said, “Hey you, in the green shirt! You look miserable, please smile.“
Another 10 years go by and I’m in grad school, studying to be a therapist. My supervisor at the psychiatric facility where I was interning told me, “You always look unhappy. It’s distracting to me and probably the patients.“ She later told the head of my department that this was a problem that I refused to work on.
These interactions were not life altering on their own, but I was regularly being reminded that just being was not enough, that I needed to always think about how I looked while being.
Why do people tell me to smile?
A common truth within these stories is that before being told to smile, I likely was feeling happy. But after being poked, humiliated and shamed, my mood understandably shifted. This could be seen as validation that I was unhappy. But, it was never about me being happy, it was about the other person’s discomfort with me looking unhappy.
Most women, AFAB and individuals who present as female have experienced this. There are many variations of “you should smile“, with intentions ranging from innocuous to violent. Much like the emotional abuse tactic of gaslighting, it is hard to pinpoint exactly why this brings about such a visceral response from me.
This piece is meant to put words to those feelings and bring an answer to the question, “Why do we hate being told to smile?”
Toxic Positivity.
First, let’s talk “toxic positivity.“ American culture has a longstanding discomfort with “negative emotions“ (anger, grief, sadness). We are pressured to move on from these vulnerable emotional states quickly. People who are grieving are not consuming or producing, therefore, capitalism does not have time for them.
We push each other to move on quickly, which is counterproductive and worsens emotional health in the long run.
Popular phrases in American culture that exemplify toxic positivity include, “Don’t worry“ and “Good vibes only.“
Misogyny.
It’s also important to recognize misogyny and male chauvinism in this cultural phenomenon. All genders are taught to believe that those assigned female at birth should be ready to engage in emotional, physical and sexual labor at all times. A blank canvas to put your needs onto.
This is because we view reproductive labor, or unpaid domestic labor, as unimportant as it does not contribute to our overall economy. Therefore, the individual carrying out reproductive labor is easily dehumanized, mitigating how others perceive their emotional needs.
This archetype of the unwavering caregiver attempts to erase the emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental needs of the individual.
If the person “meant“ to keep us happy and cared for is not smiling, we move to rectify it by ordering them to change, not humanizing them and offering help. Or just letting them feel what they feel.
Personalization.
Another potential cause of this phenomenon is personalization. Individuals who experience a certain amount of privilege may struggle to understand that someone may be a in a bad mood (or more likely, a neutral mood) for reasons that have nothing to do with them.
They feel that the person should be smiling because, “Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong! And if I did, it wasn’t my fault.“ We see this a lot when servers and female bartenders are told to smile more and be pretty, or they may be labeled as “surly.“
As a former server and bartender, I can attest to this. There were many times where my income (by way of tips) was under threat because I was not presenting as pleasing while performing an extremely physically demanding job.
If you would like further proof, do an internet search on “surly“. You’ll find actual reviews of restaurants that contain complaints about female bodied servers.
Why does being told to “smile” cause harm?
Some days, if I am told to smile, I will have the mental bandwidth to practice curiosity, even striking up a conversation with the person. Other days, my strength is prioritized elsewhere.
So why do we hate being told to smile? How does it cause us harm?
First off, it is dismissive of our emotions. It communicates that the person does not have time or tolerance for our feelings. It is dehumanizing, suggesting that we are not entitled to an emotional range, nor are we permitted to be perceived as deviating from the chipper caregiver archetype.
It posits that despite living with stress, juggling multiple responsibilities, existing in an oppressive/capitalist society and being a human being with mental and physical health to worry about, we are not doing enough. It makes us feel that we are doing something wrong, or that there is something wrong with the way we look.
In addition to the stories above, I have been told to smile by boyfriends, friends, parents, teachers, bosses, clinical supervisors, voice teachers, CEOs of companies that I no longer work at, patients, clients, strangers on the street, strangers in bars, while busing tables, while making complicated drink orders, while standing in the grocery store, while telling a story, while cleaning, at the gym, while doing yoga. All times when I was just being a person, completing a task.
Now that we have a better understanding of why it sucks to be told to smile, let’s explore who says it.
Feeling exploited at work? Unsure how to start over?
Who says, “You should smile more“?
Despite the not-unfounded assumption that it is only men saying this to women, it is usually said by those who have power and influence over others due to income inequality and institutionalized misogyny, racism and classism.
Analysis of our culture tells us that those in power (unconsciously or otherwise) do not like to be reminded of the oppression of others, as this means their privilege actually exists.
his is difficult for privileged groups to face because not only does it mean their success is not based solely on merit, but also that others suffer due to their privilege. Because of this, the culprit is often, but not always, an older white man.
This power tactic is used by bosses, law enforcement, teachers, healthcare professionals, parents/caregivers and even strangers who are empowered by the above oppressive system. Anyone who has power can find ways to dehumanize those they hold power over.
This begs the question - who is frequently targeted by this microaggression?
Who is it said to?
Again, while this phrase is most frequently said to women, the action typically exists in an imbalanced, potentially abusive power dynamic, meaning that children, adolescents, working class individuals, BI&POCs, lower level employees, etc. are most often on the receiving end.
Groups that are fetishized by the dominant white supremacy culture experience this at a higher rate. When it comes to their facial expressions, black and brown women are policed routinely by those in positions of power. White women have also been known to tell women of color or poor white women to smile, expressing the same privileged, punch down dynamic that we suffer from at the hands of our male counterparts.
Now, it is likely that some readers “feel“ that they are innocent in telling others to smile. Let me disabuse you - you are not. You are causing harm.
Just because it doesn’t “feel" that you are causing harm, it does not mean you aren’t.
This is often incorrectly called “non-violent oppression,” as we know that fetishization leads to physical violence, and state sanctioned violence is worked into every system we exist in.
What can you say instead of “smile more“?
Nothing. It may be hard to accept, but a person’s physical presentation is none of your business. It cannot cause you harm or compromise your safety, therefore you are not entitled to someone appearing a certain way in your presence.
In the US, it is common practice to smile and nod/wave or give a short greeting to a stranger. With a person who is proving you a service (waiting tables, cashier), their job is to perform that service. When it comes to your wife/partner, daughter, sister, female colleague or employee, etc. it is expected that you be cordial and respectful, just as they are expected to.
If you are still thinking that you are entitled to receive more beyond that, it is time to look within.
Our culture is shifting to make room for AFAB individuals to not be performative in every aspect their daily lives, and that is a good thing. For your loved ones’ sake and the sake of those around you, I urge you to rethink your intentions and behavior.
For those who now have words for your thoughts and feelings, go forth and prosper. For those who are questioning their behavior, kudos to you! Keep learning - all the information is accessible to you.
I offer online therapy to Pennsylvanians looking to liberate themselves from the harmful systems that oppress them, decolonizing their world view, work space and relationships.
Terms:
gaslight - a way to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity or reality.
fetishize - make something the object of a sexual fetish; have an excessive and irrational commitment to or obsession with something.
microaggression - a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority.
misogyny - dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.
non-violent oppression - greatly restrict rights and personal autonomy by using surveillance, propaganda, manipulation, strategic detention and similar techniques without ever resorting to overt violence
personalization - an irrational way of thinking characterized by believing that what others say or do is somehow personally relevant; those with this kind of unrealistic thought pattern perceive random comments as directed towards them.
toxic positivity - an obsession with positive thinking; it is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic.
Thank you for reading!
Email contact@teletherapywithsarah.com with questions/comments/concerns.
I provide therapy to professional millennials from working class backgrounds. I coach “Exploited Therapists” or therapists who have been exploited by managers, bosses and supervisors. I help them build their dream private practices.
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Very Best,
—Sarah (she/her)
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a straight, cis, non-disabled, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that race, ethnicity, class, sexuality, gender, etc. that differ from the above identifiers encounter hardship and oppression at a much higher rate.*
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