How to Talk to Your Childfree Loved One
5 minute read.
What is Childfree?
What exactly does “childfree” mean? In most cases, it is the voluntary choice to not have children. Many millennial and gen z groups use this phrase to describe and normalize a lifestyle that is essentially adulting without children.
This phrase is also used as an alternative for the “childless” which is dehumanizing, suggesting that the individual/individuals are less than for having children. It is also an extremely insensitive way to describe women or couples who have tried without success to become pregnant.
It is important to remember the undue stigma and pressure placed upon women who struggle with infertility, oftentimes being stripped of their femininity and womanhood because they are unable to become pregnant or carry a fetus to term.
Why would people choose to be childfree?
Because despite thousands of years of pressure and normalization, not everyone wants to have children. Whether it be that a child would not fit into their lifestyle, they cannot afford it, they do not have the time, they do not want to go through pregnancy, etc.
There are a multitude of reasons for why someone would choose to be childfree, which points to the fact that we all have different wants and needs. The assumption that all women should and will have children is slowly dissipating, leaving individuals with more options and feeling less pressure and shame from loved ones.
The fact that the above question is still asked with such frequency points to the expectation we have for couples or single individuals to add to the population by way of bringing children into the world. Someday we may be asking, “Why would someone choose to have a child if they do not want to?”
Do childfree individuals dislike children?
This is like asking if all vegetarians hate the taste of meat. Maybe some do, but that’s not really the point, is it? Typically they choose to be vegetarian because they do not believe in eating meat, or it does not agree with their body.
Childfree by choice folx simply do not want children. This does not mean they dislike children and can’t be in the same room as one, or even that they cannot love a child of a friend, sibling, etc. (S/O to my nieces, nephews and my friends’ children!)
Certainly there are some childfree individuals that cannot tolerate children in their midst, and that is ok! As long as we are kind to one another and respect each other's boundaries, we can coexist.
Do they dislike people with children?
Again, a person’s decisions to be childfree does not suggest they are intolerant of others with different plans. Generally speaking, childfree individuals understand that many others do not want the same thing.
Do some childfree folx struggle with maintaining closeness and relatability with friends as they have children? Yes. Is it possible to overcome this? Yes. Remember, bringing children into the mix is only part of the adulting experience. This means that growth and change will always occur, regardless of our reproductive plans.
How to talk to a childfree person.
*The remainder of this piece will be referencing the specific struggle that childfree women experience, whether hetero and cis or LGBTQIA+.
What do Childfree People Talk About?
First, just because someone is childfree, it does not mean they refuse to discuss it, or children, or anything regarding children.
But remember that these women are likely asked about children during every family party, every time someone around them is pregnant or anytime a particular milestone is hit. For this reason, I strongly encourage you to only bring the topic up if they bring it up.
Here are some helpful phrases:
“Self-doubt is normal.”
“Do you have any questions about my experience?”
“It can be scary.”
“That’s interesting, can you tell me more?”
“Here are some tips for communicating your decisions with loved ones.”
You will notice that none of the above phrases dismiss the feelings or decisions, nor do they push, shame or insult the person. They do offer validation, safe curiosity and understanding.
What Not to Say to a Childfree Person
The #1 point to remember here is that we are not required to have children. Many individuals project their own beliefs about the duty of procreation, whether it be religious beliefs, archaic views about a woman’s place in the world, internalized misogyny and so on.
Pressuring a woman into having children or shaming them for not doing so not only erases their identity as an individual, but it communicates that you feel they should be sentenced to a life they may not want. (This does not even include women who are unable to conceive, which is a whole other blog post written by someone more informed on the topic than me.)
Do not say this to childfree people.
“So, when are you having kids?”
“You’ll change your mind.”
“It would really make me/us happy.”
“You’d understand if you were a mom.”
“I didn’t think you’d want to come, it was all parents and kids.”
“Is it because you can’t?”
“You’re selfish.”
“This is your purpose.”
“It’s what women are meant to do.”
The above phrases dismiss the wants and needs of the individual. With the use of exclusionary language, feelings are invalidated, and unfair labels are placed upon the recipient.
Say This to Childfree People.
If a childfree woman shares with you that she is childfree, the below phrases communicate kindness, understanding and acceptance.
“That’s cool. How is your career going?”
“What are you looking forward to?”
“Do what makes you happy.”
“I understand that women don’t all have the same dreams.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“It’s not for everyone.”
“I am thinking of being childfree as well!”
No unkind judgments, just acceptance. My favorite part about these phrases is that they communicate trust. Women who disclose their decision to be childfree (willingly or unwillingly) are often met with distrust, an assumption that they will “change their mind.” This of course can always happen!
But is it too much to ask that women are trusted to know what is best for them? Or what they want?
How to Respond to Anti-Childfree Statements
I want to offer a cursory statement that these are “polite responses,” but I will quickly follow that up with this: women do not have to be polite. When faced with unkindness, condescension and dismissal, they do not need to respond in a demure fashion. They can, but they do not have to.
What to say:
“That isn’t in my/our plans.”
“That isn’t what I/we want.”
“That’s a pretty personal question.”
“I’d rather not talk about this, let’s change the subject.”
“That won’t be happening.”
“We have already discussed this, my mind has not changed. I’d like you to stop bringing it up.”
“Please do not ask me that again. It is disrespectful to continue pressuring me/us and I/we don’t appreciate it.”
“I’ve/We’ve told you before that I/we do not feel comfortable with this topic. If you keep bringing it up, we will not be reaching out/visiting for some time.”
Observe the slow progression from polite responses to more firm, with the intention of setting strong boundaries.
Thank you for reading!
Email contact@teletherapywithsarah.com with questions/comments/concerns.
I provide therapy to professional millennials from working class backgrounds. I coach “Exploited Therapists” or therapists who have been exploited by managers, bosses and supervisors. I help them build their dream private practices.
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Very Best,
—Sarah (she/her)
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a straight, cis, non-disabled, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that race, ethnicity, class, sexuality, gender, etc. that differ from the above identifiers encounter hardship and oppression at a much higher rate.*
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