How to Improve Self-Esteem
5 minute read.
Self-Esteem.
If you have dealt with the crisis of low self-esteem, you are not alone. As you may have guessed, despite your accomplishments, experience and ability, sometimes you just don’t like yourself. Below are some tips for improving your self-esteem little by little each day.
First, let’s talk about the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. Self-confidence is how much you are able to rely on your skills, knowledge and ability. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself.
One can absolutely be confident while lacking self-esteem. This is likely true because our skills and accomplishments can be measured. Imposter syndrome and depression resulting from capitalism’s hustle culture notwithstanding, we are able to look at our abilities and judge them as enough or correct.
Unfortunately, our opinions about ourselves are not as easily swayed. It is impossible (without coercion and abuse) to convince ourselves to feel a certain way when we feel the opposite. Those who experience doubts about their religions or are unhappy in relationships due to irreconcilable differences can understand this.
Thankfully, cultivating high self-esteem is like exercise for the body: the more you work at it, the easier and more strengthened it becomes.
One neat thought about self-esteem: The work will be in adjusting your thoughts about yourself, rather than your actual self. If you have low self-esteem, it is likely that you are already a person that you would like.
1. Figure out what you already like about yourself, expand upon it.
Is there anything that you like about yourself?
Try this: take out paper and a pen (or a word document) and start listing attributes about yourself that you like. Your passions, endearing foibles, physical attributes, personality, experiences, values, etc.
Sometimes low self-esteem can discourage us from doing things that we want, because we feel we may not deserve it. Is there anything on this list that you could be nurturing more? Is it possible that nurturing these attributes could make you happier, and possibly lead to you feeling that you deserve this happiness?
The answer is usually yes, so why not give it a try.
2. Control what’s coming in.
It is well known that social media, TV and movies can set unreasonably high expectations for us. Characters on TV shows are constantly surrounded by loved ones and seem to never be at work.
Social media sets unattainably high beauty standards and generates FOMO (fear of missing out) to a point where we are regularly feeling that everyone in the world is happier than we are.
Commit to a content purge - unfollowing IG accounts that produce beautiful photos but that you don’t actually get any information from; unfollowing YouTube health and wellness channels that propagate fat phobia and unhealthy body standards with titles that include phrases like “belly fat” or “beach body” (try following body positive exercise channels); unfollowing accounts of celebrities, influencers, or non famous individuals that don’t share your values.
This could also mean limiting your news intake. Staying informed is important. Falling into a wormhole of heavily politicized propaganda is not. Educate yourself by reading books on social commentary rather than taking in sensationalized, dehumanizing news.
Whew.
3. Spend time with people who build you up.
You’ll want to nurture your self-esteem. If you were to think of your budding self-esteem like a plant, you can imagine giving the plant water and plenty of sunlight.
If you have friends, family or acquaintances that put you down, your self-esteem will remain stunted and shaky. Nurture your self-esteem by fostering relationships with individuals who are loving and supportive. Soon, you will learn how to be loving and supportive with yourself.
4. Manage the inner voice during change.
Ever notice that your inner voice can be surprisingly mean or downright abusive? This phenomenon typically occurs because we do not challenge this voice.
For example, someone who is bullying another person may be called out by peers or persons of authority, giving them a chance to temper their behavior and reflect on their own insecurities that lead to the harmful behavior (hopefully).
Our inner voice is rarely challenged. This is because it feels strange talking back to ourselves, and when we do, we are usually just as harsh.
Something I have learned from my own therapy recently, is that the best approach for confronting this inner voice is one of self-compassion.
Here is an example of answering an inner voice with no self-compassion:
Inner voice: “Wow, I really can’t do anything right.”
I may respond with, “Why am I talking to myself like this? What is wrong with me? I can’t even do this right.”
Speaking comfortingly and supportively to ourselves when we are plainly struggling is a way of practicing self-compassion.
Using the above example, let’s change up the language:
Inner voice: “Wow, I really can’t do anything right.”
Me: “This is painful, I’m feeling bad because of what happened. There is no need to be unkind to myself, I’m doing the best I can.”
See the difference? My self-compassionate response met my bullying inner voice with compassion and lack of judgment, making me feel supported, not worse.
Thank you for reading!
Email contact@teletherapywithsarah.com with questions/comments/concerns.
Pennsylvanians - ready to start therapy? Reach out to contact@teletherapywithsarah.com for a free 15 minute consultation.
Very Best,
—Sarah
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a straight, cis, able-bodied, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that ethnicity, class, sexuality and gender that differ from the above identifiers encounter more hardship and oppression.*
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