How to Heal from Religious Trauma
10 minute read.
Learning to Heal
Individuals choose to leave their religion for many reasons. This can include loss of faith, disagreements over viewpoints and practices, or simply being unable to make time for it.
For many, the decision to leave is less a choice, more a necessity. The abuse that can be inflicted upon people in these often times insular communities can cause a lifetime of damage.
The pain you experience from leaving your religion can also be unbearable. Not only are you losing a community and you’re faith (wholly or partially), but many are losing close family members, friends and their partners, essentially being excommunicated.
Sadly, many of these individuals do not know they are suffering from trauma. This post is meant to compassionately inform and hold space for those that may be thinking of leaving, are in the process, or are currently in the healing stage of the loss.
While reading this, please remember that religious trauma can happen in any religious institution, isolated or not.
As you read, I urge you to take in this information with loving kindness towards yourself and others who may have experienced similar suffering.
Interested in starting therapy? Do you live in Pennsylvania? I provide religious trauma therapy, depression therapy, anxiety therapy and EMDR therapy.
Religious Trauma
Like other types of trauma, religious trauma is the result of abuse. More specifically, spiritual abuse (also known as church abuse or religious abuse).
Like other types of abuse, spiritual abuse is characterized by coercion, control and exploitation which will usually involve verbal, emotional, and/or physical violence.
Religious abuse occurs when a belief system exerts power and control over it’s believers. Those in power can be spiritual leaders, elders or a small group of individuals with high social ranking in the community. Like any form of oppression, these few are benefitting from this abuse.
Not unlike spousal/partner violence, the victims of spiritual abuse (or spiritual violence) may not know that they are being abused.
Many religions purposely uphold doctrines (or beliefs) that explain away feelings of isolation, depression and anxiety that actually result from of the abuse (ex. “You are being tested,” “You will live in paradise in the afterlife”).
Many religions makes changes to their belief systems, matching cultural shits. As individuals in these communities are feeling empowered to more ask questions and express doubt when they have it, some religions have pivoted.
Many religions will normalize “asking questions” and “having doubts” only to follow this false compassion with fear, shame and intimidation, whether directly (abuse from authority figures/family) or indirectly (citing scripture about damnation for non-believers, the story of “Doubting Thomas”).
This practice discourages curiosity and only briefly extinguishes doubt and misgivings.
Religious Trauma Syndrome
Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is the condition experienced by individuals when they are in the process of leaving, attempting to leave or have successfully left a religious group with dogmatic beliefs. (Dogmatic beliefs are beliefs that are laid out as true, with no space for questioning, curiosity or different interpretation.)
RTS can present similarly to complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Like Imposter Syndrome, RTS is not a mental health condition found in the DSM V-TR, but it is a phenomenon experienced by many individuals.
These individuals are also escaping and healing from indoctrination, or the process of teaching a person or group to accept a set of beliefs uncritically. Healing after indoctrination is painful and can last years. Because so many modern religions focus on worshiping a deity that they do not have direct contact with or proof of their existence, shame and intimidation is used to keep the number of believers high.
This is the same behavior used to keep a victim of domestic violence from leaving an abusive marriage or partnership. Sadly, intimidation within a partnership can be used insidiously to keep a victim from leaving a religion as well.
Religious Trauma Examples
Religious beliefs are often weaponized to excerpt power and control over its followers. Guilt, shame and fear of condemnation are used to enforce compliance, which results in lifelong struggles with common human experiences (eg, sex, work, friendship, emotional expression).
Some examples of religious trauma include:
Guilt around having sex and/or enjoying sex.
Guilt around a part of your identity that is not cis gendered or heterosexual.
Fear of eternal damnation, or punishment from a deity, even after losing one’s faith.
Staying in abusive/exploitative marriages as divorce is against many religious beliefs.
Financial/housing/food insecurity as many religious institutions demand a percentage of your salary.
How to Heal from Religious Trauma
1. Find community support.
Know that you are not alone.
Religious groups are one of the only communal spaces in the US at this time. Because our culture’s economy and politics are dictated by capitalism, collectivism has been replaced by individualism, making religion the only option for some.
After I left my church, I searched for a community for years, all while grieving the loss of my “church family”. Thankfully, I have been able to find fellowship in the therapist community - many of whom are ex-religious themselves.
What can be your community? There are many ways to find out, some of which include engagement with your local government, volunteering, your job, going back to school and engaging with peers, etc. Talk with neighbors, with people you see in the supermarket, and anywhere else you find yourself.
2. Practice sensate focus.
Sensate focus is a practice designed to distinguish between touching and being touched. It’s goal is to help one or both parties gain control over feelings related to intimacy. Sensate focus begins with non-sexual touching and builds slowly overtime, eventually reaching sensual intercourse.
Remember, part of healing from religious trauma is choosing a partner(s) who does not view sexual intimacy as transactional, and who does not believe they are entitled to your body.
(Many religions teach that spouses are required to produce children to ensure the community’s future. Even less fortunately, women are put in the position to engage in sex and have children when they don’t want to, or outside of their preferred time line.)
3. Inventory work.
This is a huge piece of the 12-step program in the recovery community. You can take inventory of anything from your personal values and qualities, to the type of work you want, to the types of people you want relationships with.
Since religion can be so isolating, making friends after leaving can be hard. This is especially true because you may not know exactly what you want in a friend. Your former community was bound by its religious beliefs rather than interests, and socializing with those outside of your belief system may have been discouraged or forbidden.
4. Find a religious trauma therapist.
I always recommend you find a therapist that understands what you are going through. If you are able to find a therapist who knows the language of your former religion, you will save a lot of time in having to educate them.
Find a therapist that understands the abuse you’ve experienced and can assist in your healing journey.
5. Explore new beliefs.
Many individuals notice there is a void left behind while they grieve the loss of their faith and/or faith’s community. The idea of a “higher power” is beneficial to those who have experienced trauma and great loss.
This can come in many forms, including a religious/spiritual practice, connections with other living beings, the chaos of the cosmos or a deep connection with the self.
(Remember, exploring your new beliefs does not have a time limit on it. The urgency you may feel to find a new belief could be echoes from your religious trauma.)
In conclusion.
If you are thinking about leaving your religion, know that you are not alone. Know that any attempt to isolate you and make your fearful of the outside world is intentional. It is meant to keep you still, keep you quiet, and keep you controlled.
While it can take time to leave any abusive situation, every small step helps.
At the bottom of this post, I have provided resources for finding a therapist that can help you during the transition as well as domestic violence and suicide hotlines.
Best of luck, you are truly deserving of peace and happiness.
Thank you for reading.
Email contact@teletherapywithsarah.com with questions/comments/love.
I provide therapy to professional millennials from working class backgrounds. I am a business coach for “Exploited Therapists” or therapists who have been exploited by managers, bosses and supervisors. I help therapists build their dream private practices.
Online anxiety therapy in Philadelphia, online EMDR therapy in Pittsburgh, PA. Teletherapy to all Pennsylvanians.
Coaching for all citizens of the world.
Ready to get started? Click here, or reach out to contact@teletherapywithsarah.com for a free 20 minute consultation.
I do not work through insurance, but I provide superbills for EMDR therapy sessions and regular therapy sessions. Learn about getting reimbursement from your insurance provider here.
Very Best,
—Sarah (she/her)
*Disclaimer - This piece was written by a cis/het, non-disabled, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that race, ethnicity, class, sexuality, gender, etc. that differ from the above identifiers encounter hardship and oppression at a much higher rate.*
Find a therapist:
includsivetherapists.com
therapyden.com
zencare.co
thrivingcampus.com
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more
1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text “START“ to 88788
https://www.thehotline.org/
