5 Ways to Empower Someone without Saying “You’re Strong”
8 minute read.
What’s Wrong with “You’re Strong.”
Many of us are led to believe that labeling someone as “strong” can make them feel as such. Both sadly and surprisingly, it can have the opposite effect.
When we tell our loved ones “you’ll be fine, you’re strong” we are removing any opportunity for them to feel vulnerable and actually process how they feel.
When we are denied the opportunity to be vulnerable or “weak,” it sets a pattern in our minds that anything but “strong” is unacceptable. Pretty high bar to set, don’t you think?
If we are feeling weak and someone tells us “don’t feel that way, you’re strong,” it can lead to us feeling that we are doing something wrong. Vulnerability is good, it allows us to connect with others, makes us feel human, and keeps us from isolating.
So, you may ask, “How can I empower my loved ones without directly telling them they are strong?” I’m glad you asked...
Empowering Loved Ones.
1. Acknowledge the gravity of their situation.
Sometimes we find ourselves in difficult situations with or without direct cause. In those times, we benefit from those around us acknowledging this difficulty - “That sounds like it’s really hard.”
Our culture does not teach us to sit with hard situations, it teaches us to immediately practice problem solving - generally speaking. But often, acknowledging and sitting with the situation is exactly what we need!
You’d be surprised how often a client appears unburdened when I meet their story with “That sounds like it was hard for you, that would be hard for me too.” If I were to meet it with, “Ok, stop being sad, let’s solve the problem immediately,” they would more than likely be irritated with me and in some cases, not want to schedule future sessions because I have become another person trying to “fix”.
2. Do not try to fix their problem.
Have you ever noticed that when a loved one is telling us they are struggling, our first response is to try to fix the situation? Maybe suggestions? We usually do this because we love them, and seeing them hurt is not enjoyable.
While our intentions may be good, the end result is that the person is left feeling unheard. Imagine this scenario - You are a professional in your field. You have all the education, all the certifications, all the experience and the confidence to do your job effectively. Unfortunately, your boss is a jerk, and for whatever reason, they have chosen to demean and dismiss you. You go home to your partner and despite your accolades, you are met with, “Have you tried this?” “What if you went with this approach?” “Are you sure you are coming off the way you think?” Now, while your partner’s intentions are good, they may cause you to feel dismissed. Why does this happen?
Well, one reason could be, you guessed it, the aforementioned accolades! You are good at your job and you know what you are doing - you are simply dealing with a jerk at work. Something that many people deal with every day.
Is it possible that you feel dismissed because instead of listening, your partner assumed you were doing something wrong?
You may think, “Ok, ok, Sarah, there is nothing wrong with being supportive to my partner and brainstorming possible solutions!” And I agree! If they ask you to brainstorm. If they are simply venting, and you offer advice, you are indirectly ignoring their experience and accomplishments.
Most of the time, we know what we are doing, so let’s get comfortable with trusting each other!
3. Do not dismiss harm done.
If you are a member of an oppressed group within our white-centric, patriarchal society, then you have more than likely had the experience of a person from outside of your group dismissing your struggle.
I am a woman and I have experienced this. I am a cis white woman, I have been guilty of this.
The easiest thing for the privileged to forget is that others who do not look or love like them have experiences that they have no way of understanding. The hardest thing for the privileged to do is to acknowledge this and accept it.
But like many skills, the more you practice it, the stronger it becomes! When someone is telling you that something wrong is happening to them, believe them, trust them.
If your POC next door neighbor is telling you he is experiencing microaggressions on the neighborhood Facebook page, trust them. If your female coworker is telling you they are experiencing sexual harassment in the break room, believe them.
If your gender queer cousin is telling you they are being harassed and shamed by the family...well, you get it. The truth is that they would know better than you, because they have lived it. They are deserving of your trust.
Do you know what happens when a loved one confides something sensitive to us and we give support rather than further invalidate them? They feel valued! And supported! And maybe even empowered!
4. Empower by asking how to help.
For some reason, many of us have a chronic aversion to asking others what they need. It could be in the bedroom, it could pertain to emotional support, it could involve a complicated grocery list.
Why do we feel that we should have an intrinsic knowledge of the needs of others at all times?
Why is it strange, shameful even, to admit that we cannot read our loved one’s mind? The truth is, asking others what they need is the only way to actually know. Thankfully (as mentioned in #3) like most skills, the more we do it, the better we get at it.
So, when a person is struggling with feeling disempowered or lacking confidence, asking them, “What can I do to help?*” could be a life saver. With support and the knowledge that you care about them, empowerment could be just around the corner.
Note that this is different from “let me know how I can help.” When you ask what you can do, you are saying, “I’m here now, you have my attention.” When you say, “Let me know,” you are saying, “I cannot help now, but I can help later, and I might take it as an inconvenience.”
5. Just listen.
If you have read this far, it’s possible that you have read some ideas that may have challenged you, or you even disagreed with. But that also tells me that you are a good listener, and that your loved ones are lucky!
If you can allow someone to vent, process or reflect uninterrupted, it accomplishes 2 things. 1. You didn’t interrupt them (I know, right?). When we interrupt someone, it communicates a message that they are not worthy of our full time or attention, which can then lead to them feeling disempowered (which, if someone already did this to them today, has led them to seek support from you in the first place!) 2.
They were able to feel important and valued, something that we all need everyone once in a while.
So I say to you, it can be hard (maybe feel a little weird) to follow these tips. But the empowerment of our loved ones, our acquaintances and our peers is worth it. Good luck!
Thank you for reading!
—Sarah Bryski-Hamrick, LPC
Online Trauma Therapist in Philadelphia
Want to learn more about the potentially damaging effects of labeling someone as “strong” rather than allowing them to be vulnerable? Pick up Mikki Kendall’s Hood Feminism. Here is an excerpt: “The myth of the Strong Black Woman has made it so that white women can tell themselves that it is okay to expect us to wait to be equal with them, because they need it more. The fact that Black women are supposedly tougher than white women means that we are built to face abuse and ignorance, and that our need for care or concern is less pressing.”
