4 Quick Tips for Being a Better Listener
5 minute read.
How to be a Better Listener
Do you ever leave conversations feeling that you’ve overshared? Do you struggle with interrupting others, which leaves you feeling guilty and them feeling unheard? Have you made promises to yourself that you’ll listen better, but continue to struggle with it?
Well, I have good news for you: your awareness of this issue means that you are already on your way towards becoming a good listener!
*Disclaimer: These tips are meant to be used in everyday conversations with people you love and/or respect. Many of us have met conversation monopolizers, people who take over interactions with their own experiences because they feel they are the center of everyone’s story. These tips are not for those people in your life.*
1. Hold comments until the end.
If you don’t consider yourself a great listener, it is likely that you derail others’ stories by interrupting to add your own personal experience (ex. “Oh God, the same thing happened to me! I was…“).
This can be HARD, especially if you struggle with attention deficit or impulse control issues. You may be afraid that you’ll forget to add your part of the story when the other person is finished talking. You may think the person NEEDS to hear your input.
The only truth you actually know is that the person is talking, and would like you to absorb the information they are giving to you. It can be hard to remember, but at that moment, it is not about you.
2. Ask clarifying questions.
Struggling to maintain interest while your friend talks about engineering, sewing, veganism, their kids, their pets, their summer plans or Brian at work? Try treating it like a learning experience.
If you don’t understand a word they said, ask what it means. If you don’t get their workplace culture, have them explain it. Not only is their perceived interest taken as a kindness, but you are able to stay hooked and actually be interested in what you’re hearing.
3. Hold something in your hands.
Focusing on your breath, relaxing your body as you exhale, resist the urge to move too much. Fidgeting, obvious discomfit, checking your phone, walking around, etc. can all indicators that someone does not have your undivided attention.
This is a negative and untrue belief, especially for those with ADHD. So holding something in your hand to fidget with can be helpful.
As stated above, you may struggle with attention/impulse control issues that keep you from maintaining the “listening face.“
If you fall under that category, try counting your breaths and focusing on the words the person is saying, as well as their body language and non-verbal cues. If you notice yourself becoming distracted or that your mind has wandered, try not to judge yourself and gently bring your attention back (a similar approach can be used in meditation, in lectures or when reading).
4. Be gentle with yourself.
We are busy, BUSY people who are responsible for maintaining a roof over our heads, a job that puts food on the table, and/or keeping those who depend on us alive (kids, pets, plants, etc).
We have to juggle our mental and physical health, long to-do lists, and relationships all while the chaos and pain of the world we live in remains in the background. If you struggle to listen to someone else’s story just for a moment, you may forgive yourself.
If it helps, remember that distracting yourself from an immediate or constant stressor can actually make you feel better, putting some space between you and the matter, leading to potential resolution and momentary relief. Can you believe it? Listening to someone else can make you feel happier!
*Disclaimer - This piece is being written by a straight, cis, white woman. Intersectionality (coined by lawyer, civil rights advocate, scholar and philosopher Kimberlé Crenshaw) tells us that ethnicity, class, sexuality and gender that differ from the above identifiers encounter more hardship and oppression.*
Thank you for reading!
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September 1, 2021