3 Ways to Support a Traumatized Loved One - Part 1
2 minute read.
Supporting a Loved One with Trauma.
1. Engage in Regulating Activities.
As mentioned in a previous post, the sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) work together to respond to internal and external stimuli. For someone that has experienced trauma, the PNS often does not come online automatically, leaving the person “reactive,” or flight-flight-freeze, for long periods of time.
This can make normal, everyday activities unbearable - it is not uncommon for a traumatized person to feel uneasy at dinner with friends but feel calm and in control when skydiving. Bessel Van der Kolk, MD, author of "The Body Keeps the Score" states that yoga, singing in a choir and practicing martial arts are among the most regulating activities for someone who has experienced trauma, as these activities can activate the PNS.
So, inviting a loved one who has experienced trauma to a beginners yoga class may feel less terrifying than brunch.
2. Use Trauma Sensitive Language.
We have all heard it, “Wow...you really overreacted back there.” Whether you have been traumatized or not, we all have experienced the shame of an overreaction, which is sometimes unfortunately coupled with a not-so-nice-friend bringing it up to us later.
“Trauma Sensitive Language” is a way to speak to a traumatized person without shaming, blaming or humiliating them. An alternative to the above comment could be, “I saw what happened back there, I’m here if you want to talk about it.” Other examples and alternatives include:
“How could you let something like this happen?” ----> “I am sorry that this person hurt you, their behavior is not your responsibility.”
“You always overreact, I’m not even the person that hurt you!” ----> “I’m going to give you some time alone, give me a call when you’re ready.”
“If you don’t start behaving better, there will be consequences.” ----> “I am sorry if this activity has made you feel unsafe, is there anything I can do to change that?”
3. Try Not to Judge Trauma Responses.
It can be easy to judge the behavior and demeanor of a person who has been traumatized, especially if in society’s view, their behavior invites more danger.
Please remember, everyone responds to trauma differently. Passing judgment on the way someone takes their power back in their lifestyle further promotes the insidious nature of victim blaming.
How can you be more supportive to your traumatized loved one? How can you be more forgiving of your traumatized self?
